Before cracking open the biblical covers, I decided to take an inventory of what I already know about the Bible. The comprehensive list is as follows:
1) It’s long.
Like 2,500 pages long. No, I haven’t figured out how long this project will take. But I do have Cliffs Notes.
2) Lot’s wife turns into a pillar of salt.
That’s a LOT of salt! But who is Lot? Seriously. I don’t know.
3) People have quested and killed for its message and relics.
See also: King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table, the Trojan Rabbit, los reconquistadores españoles, and the Nazis in Indiana Jones.
4) It was written by elves.
That’s where Christmas comes from.
5) It’s free in hotels.
Like towels and HBO and weak bathroom-brewed coffee.
6) The men have beards.
Itchy.
7) Noah, ark, flood, animals.
Thanks for all the bugs.
8) The setting is the Middle East.
That’d be why it’s called the Holy Land.
9) There’s lots of begatting.
Sexy!
Bible Heathen 